Nervous? Nah! (well, just a little)
I woke up earlier than normal to acclimate myself for tomorrow morning’s 2:30am alarm. The good thing is that I’ve been packed for days, given that I’ve been training with my full backpack. Yesterday, I did my last pre-departure 18km / 11mi power walk along our scenic beach path; giving thanks for 6 months of visioning, sweating, and seeing how everything was falling into place. I’ve always believed in this paradigm: Preparation + Opportunity = AWESOMENESS!
Final training power walk on Saturday 8/26
I have to admit that I’m a little nervous, though. Not sure why, other than to chalk it up to healthy anticipatory “stepping into the unknown” energy. Perhaps it’s because we always carry within us that shy little child who faced a very large world that wasn’t always safe. For my part, though I was surrounded by tons of love, I always felt a bit “different”; unsure exactly why, but apparent in many pictures of me as a child.
Sunday in the park with little Ramón
Though I couldn’t consciously identify with specific events that locked my outward expression of joy deep inside, thoughts of isolation, differentness, and “if I only stay silent and hidden from view” became an inner mantra.
“People are often attracting things to themselves which they do not consciously desire, but with which they have become unconsciously identified.”
And so I layered onto that shyness an outward bravado of confidence and “can do” spirit. I found my voice doing plays in high school, and continued through college and into a career onstage, as narrator in countless corporate training films, and many years “begging for bucks” as an on-air host on PBS pledge drives at Chicago’s WTTW. I found my “civil rights” voice in my unions, rising from member activist and officer to its national diversity director. But, the wider the gap between my public persona and my private reality, the darker and emptier that dark space inside became.
“We admitted we were powerless – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Fortunately, an angel (in the form of an old friend who came back into my life in NYC) introduced me to a 12-Step program in Manhattan. As I stepped into my first meeting on Monday evening, April 16, 2001, I’ll always consider that as my second birth day; and I’m glad I hung around for the miracles to come!
(clockwise from left: early years hosting pledge drives; eating deep-fried black spider in China; hiking Upper Coffey Glacier)
And so: to what do I owe this nervous energy? I now embrace my shy inner child and lead him into a world that is safe and wondrous and full of surprises. From eating large deep-fried black spiders at the Wanfujing Street Market in Beijing (they taste like soft shell crabs), and camping on the small Upper Coffey Glacier at the base of Mt. Denali in Alaska, to hosting pledge drives live on television...I’ve learned the difference between fear-filled energy and healthy nervous, anticipatory energy. And THAT’s where I’m at today, with less than 24 hours to go before my flight to France!
“Through the manifestation of the power that is within you, you can project any objective experience which you may legitimately desire. Be certain that you are accepting this, that you are living in joyous expectation of good, that you are accepting abundance. Be sure that you are animating your experience with the thought of plenty, that you are affirming that Divine Substance is forever flowing to you as supply.”
